I’ll admit it. I love generosity. I love the word. I love the idea. I’m a bit of a zealot when it comes to the idea of looking outside ourselves and giving freely. Sounds pretty simple. A good rule of thumb, right? I can hear sayings like “be more generous” or “give as you have been given” or pay-it-forward” or “the abundance mentality” echo in my ears.

But, after reflecting over the past few years of trying a lot of things, l’ve come to a fairly simple, but profound change in my perspective. Generosity is better measured based on quality not quantity. Think about it. When we describe someone as generous we look at the amount of ‘stuff’ that they gave to someone who didn’t have that ‘stuff.’ Pretty simple math. But, I don’t think it’s that simple. If a billionaire gives one million dollars to a private school to save on some taxes, is that generous? Don’t forget that her grandchildren attend the school as well. Or what about someone who refuses to give money to someone on the street because they run a homeless shelter and don’t want to potentially fund someone’s drug habit? Is that avoiding generosity?

No, I think how we measure generosity should be re-considered. I think it’s based on quality, not quantity. Here are some key questions I’m going to ask myself before being generous. I hope these help fulfill a value I hold so dear in my heart.

What does it cost me?

One of my favorite Bible stories is an obscure passage about King David of Israel. It is late in his life and he commits a grave sin against God. The nature of the sin is not altogether clear. But, the magnitude is as he is severely disciplined by God. As an act of repentance he starts the process of making a sacrifice to God. In those days, a way to show God honor, worship, repentance, etc. would be to offer a variety of gifts (animals, harvest, etc.). Sounds a little gruesome today. But, in a culture where the currency is how many animals you have or how much land you have, it makes sense. As the story goes, David comes upon some land and initiates a conversation with the land owner. He wants to use this guy’s land to do his sacrifice. “King David?!?” the guy is thinking. “I’ll give him whatever he needs” he essentially says. “No way!” David says. David cannot take the free land and then use that to offer something to God. Why? Because, as David says, “I will not offer to the Lord my God that which cost me nothing.”

I see the same issue come up in everyday life. At work, we talk a lot about being generous. But, if that means we are simply taking a little spoonful of whipped cream off of our giant banana split of abundance, I’m not sure that qualifies. This question puts us all in a gut check. If we really want to act generous, it must come from a heart of generosity. We must intend to give something that really costs us something with the pure intent to benefit someone else, expecting nothing in return. At the end of the day, we either give from an abundance mentality or scarcity mentality.

But, this first question is not the only important question that I have discovered. There are at least two others which must be taken into account to balance the first question and increase the quality of generosity.

What is it worth to others?

Often we can give blindly to others and just assume they will receive what we have given with joy. Wrong! This can potentially create disappointment on both ends, even resentment and pressure.

A comical example takes me back to my childhood days. I have 3 brothers and my mom always valued sharp dressed young men for Christmas. So, she would often spend money on some quality sweaters and lay them out on our beds. To her, it was a sweet gift and a special moment. To us, it was a moment we saw coming a mile away. We should have had better attitudes. But, we were thinking about what cool item from the sports store we could have purchased for the same amount. Cruel to react that way to your generous mom? Perhaps. A common feeling for those on the receiving end of another’s ‘generosity’? For sure!

I do the same thing as a parent today with my 5 kids. I give them lots of great ‘gifts’ that they didn’t ask for. Surprise, surprise when they don’t do cart wheels. We buy them clothes. We buy them food. We pay their tuition. We give our time, money, energy…everything. We are tempted to get bitter when they are not grateful. But, sometimes they don’t know how to be grateful. They have no context for how much it really cost us and what it is worth to them. And, we can’t assume they value what we value.

Cost and value are two different things. I have a good buddy who is an expert lite backpacker. He can carefully construct backpacking trips with the best gear money can buy. He offered to take me out on a trip. So, I went over to Wal-Mart to get a backpack and a tent. “What is that?!?!” he said. “You can’t take that cheap stuff!” He bought me a state-of-the art backpack as a gift to replace my poor decision. I was clueless. I was just thinking about getting some ‘cheap’ stuff and saving on ‘cost. He was thinking about the ‘value’ of the trip and the priceless nature of making memories with our kids out in God’s creation. I still have the backpack he bought me. But, I have to confess. I haven’t used it for its amazing, intended purpose since. My son-in-law used it for luggage on a recent flight overseas. I smiled as a thought about that trip and how I learned a lot about cost vs. value. And if I ever go backpacking again with my sons or grandchildren, that will redeem the investment my buddy made in me that day. This brings to mind my third question to measure the quality of generosity.

Will it create impact or imbalance?

When we are generous there is always a result. That result could be a major, lifelong impact. That result could be a net zero. Or, it could even potentially make things worse. It all depends on the relationships, the situation, and other factors.

To make these decisions we have to use an ROl calculator (return on investment). That may sound like cold business logic. But, don’t think about an actual calculator and a spreadsheet. Think of it more like an old movie you are watching on a VCR. You have seen the movie before. But, you get lost in the story every time you see it. But, if you stop the movie and fast forward to the end, you can predict what’s going to happen. This takes away the experience of reliving it.

But, sometimes I wonder if we should do this the next time we are considering performing an act of true generosity. It may cost me a lot. The other person may value it a lot. But, what will the most likely outcome be?

The answer may not be clear cut. But, consider two ends of a continuum: Impact or imbalance.

On the side of impact, you see your gift planting a seed that could blossom over time. Examples could include paying tuition for an underprivileged student who becomes a world famous brain surgeon, investing in a well established halfway house for victims of domestic violence, or even just showing a sign of dignity to a lonely person on the street. If that gift multiplies into a broader impact…great! And you can never really know. But it doesn’t hurt to ask and consider. Because there is the other side of the continuum.

What if that gift just creates imbalance? It could create imbalance for you in a relationship.

Someone may just take you for granted and just assume you will always come through. It could make the recipient more self-focused, even entitled. If you are blindly generous, it could even affect your foundation and ability to be generous in the future. Hard to hand out generosity if you accidentally cut off your hand?!? And how sad is this if your heart started by wanting to be generous and love another, but in the end they are not any better and you are just bitter? Not a good combo. Not a good generosity ROl.

Gut Check

Boy, I love being unconsciously generous. Jesus said, “don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.” Point taken. It’s not about us. And we should never give to receive.

Generosity is for the benefit of others.

I wish I was wise and mature enough to be generous without thinking about these things. But, I’ve made enough messes to know that generosity needs a dose of intentionality most times. I hope these questions help me…not to be more generous per se, but to be generous in better and better ways for the rest of my life.